


Past and future, that's us

by Veridissima



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Miscarriage, Post-Series, Pre-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-14
Updated: 2013-08-14
Packaged: 2017-12-23 10:29:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/925293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veridissima/pseuds/Veridissima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One night, Andy comes looking for Toby in New York, and they take a trip through their past...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Past and future, that's us

**Author's Note:**

> It's in the September after the end of the Bartlet administration in New York, and then there is a college flashback.   
> Can be read as a follow up to "Sometimes Everything Works out Fine", because this is a month after the first flashback (that would be their first time together that I mentioned in the story)  
> Posted on ff.net on October 3rd, 2012

Toby was sitting in a sofa by the TV, in his new apartment in New York, with a bourbon glass in the coffee table. For the last eleven years of his life, this day had been this way, this one and four more by the same reason, but this one would always be the hardest, because had been the first, this date marked the loss of something, the beginning of the end.

But he had to remember something, the end had ended, things were better, and the curse was beat at the sixth time, bringing him the most wonderful thing in his life, his best accomplishment, compared to them getting a man to the White House and keeping him there, was nothing.

His thoughts came to a stop when the doorbell rang, making him stand his lazy body from the couch, and planning on driving away whoever was at the door, but when he opened it, the most beautiful woman was on the other side, she was dressed in skinny jeans, with a pair of all starts that he hadn't seen in thirteen years and in a shirt that made his mind go back to their times in this city, her red hair was loose around her shoulders, she was holding a bag, that he knew only had a couple of clothes that where thrown in, in the closest bag (that had turned out to be one of the kids). But more that anything she was dripping wet, it has pouring outside and he knew she had been crying, but still to him, she was beautiful.

"I didn't want to be alone tonight."

He pushed her to his arms and she let go again, she cried while he brought her inside. He started to taking off her clothes, while he drew her a hot bath, he had her in her underwear when he put her inside the bath, he kissed her forehead, left the room to prepare her a cup of tea and brought it to her, sitting beside her, passing his fingers by her hair.

"Thank you, Toby."

"I'm always here for you."

"I know. I wanna talk."

"We'll talk later, just relax now."

"You could have taken my underwear off. It's not like it would be the first time. We have been doing it for twenty-eight years."

He laughed, kissed her lips and took her underwear off, sat besides her again and took her hand.

And they knew they would talk later, this new take with their relationship, meant don't do same mistakes, talk about things, even if they are not easy.

They had been together for four months, and they had only had been intimately for the first time by the third time (first one, she was seventeen and he was twenty-one and CJ had gone out to pick up dinner, the second time, it was about a year after the divorce was final, and now the third time had been a weekend out with wine and candles in the middle of nowhere) had been only last month.

"I think I'm better now."

"Do you wanna get out?"

"Yes, please."

"Okay." He stood up, pushed her to her feet, and kissed her lips. "I'll go pick some clothes."

He came back and hand her shorts and his Yankee's shirt that he knew it smelled like him and that gave her comfort, if it didn't she wouldn't be here right now. They moved to his room.

"I'm just gonna pick up my bourbon. Do you want something? More tea?"

"Bourbon would be nice."

He came back with two glasses and the bottle, gave her one, and put the bottle in the bedside table and sat beside her."

"The kids…?"

"They are with my mother. Do you ever think what would have happen if they didn't die? If we had a little ten year old boy or girl?"

"It would be a boy, you always thought so."

"Yeah. He would have your eyes. Why did we never talk about it?"

"Because it hurts, Andi. Hurts like hell. The thought of losing them, time after time." He pulled her close. "We wanted to forget, even if we knew it was impossible, they were part of us, a part that we lost."

"Do you think we still had divorced?"

"I don't know really. The kids make me happy, they make me wanna love." He said referring to what she said at the house, they had finally talked about that in June.

"Yeah. I know."

"Maybe, I would never left for New Hampshire, maybe I had become a teacher earlier, or a stay at home dad."

"Maybe, Hoynes had been president."

"I don't think I had that much of an impute."

"Bartlet without your speeches wouldn't be Bartlet. And second I was talking about how you brought CJ."

"Leo was the one who want her. And thank you." He said the last part more sarcastically, making her laugh for the first time since she showed up at his door.

"But she came for you. Things had been different if they had been born, any of them, maybe not always better."

"Yeah. Mr. Jackass would have been president."

"That's what you got from the conversation." Turning around and punching him on the chest, but she fell on him, starting laughing.

"Of course I know we can't change the past, that part of the past will always be there, but we're good now, two beautiful kids, you in my arms again, I can say that I'm happy."

"I'm happy too, Toby. But I have another thing I wanna talk to you about."

"Okay, but we really should talk more about this."

"I know. But… We will, I don't wanna leave nothing a side, but right now…"

"Okay. I understand. We talked a little and we mourn together, for what I think for the first time."

"We should have done this before. It's better than getting drunk alone."

"Agreed." She got out of the bed. "Where are you going?"

"I thought you liked my ass."

"Very much. But I kind of prefer the felling of your body against mine."

"Yeah, yeah, me too. But I need to get something from my bag." And she walked out of the door but in a few seconds she was back. "Do you have any appetizers, chips, cookies or something like that?"

"I think I have cookies, Molly's favourite, top shelf."

"Thanks."

She came back to sit next to him with a package full of cookies and her bag, she pushed out a notebook, with a million of pages sticking out.

"I've seen that before. It was always with you, everywhere we moved, you never let me touch it. Is that a diary? It's bigger since the last time I saw it."

"No… Yes… No…"

"Andrea…"

"No. Not really. It's a book full of notes about you and us. Our story."

"Okay…"

"I want you to read it."

"I don't wanna privy or anything."

"You won't. It's easier than talking. Have one for any important event in our life until Molly and Huck's birth, I'm gonna write for our new beginning too. I started when we became real, our six month mark, but then I wrote about the other months, but there wasn't much to tell, just sex. Okay? Now don't mock me."

"Okay. You stopped at the birth?"

"Yeah. We pulled away from each other, after what I said on the house." The look on her eyes shown an apology. "I moved to the new house and let the book on the attic."

"So why did you have it again."

"Molly, she asked for things before them. So we went to the attic to look. It's for a box at school; she already was photos of us, our wedding, me, you and CJ at college, I lend her a Led Zeppelin vinyl, remember the fun we had to sound of them."

"I remember. Normally led to sex or you and CJ dancing and singing around me."

"Yeah, fun times. She also asked for a campaign t-shirt. I think it has something to do with the stories that Josh tells her, I think she has a tiny crush on him, Donna told her that she would get her one."

"That's just so good to the Lyman's ego. But I'm happy that the kids spent time with them."

"They still miss CJ, they can't wait for the next weekend. Molly can't stop talking about being a flower girl and Huck can't wait to buy a penguin suit, especially after Josh told them that girls dig that."

"Great. Can't believe he's teaching them these things."

"He's her godfather, so he spends some of his time off with them, Donna also comes and Sam too. The kids told about every story you ever told about them, especially the Batman/Robin stories. So now Josh and Sam are pretty sure that you love them."

"I don't."

"Of course not. You are a grumpy man who doesn't love anyone." She said joking but then getting the mean between what she just said."

"Andi… I love you, you know that. I don't want you to ever doubt that." He said passing his hand by her face and by her hair. "You and the twins are the most important thing in my life…"

"Toby, I know… You don't need to… I know, okay." She said taking his hand and bringing it to her lips. "I love you too. And I know you can love. You love, and you love a lot but you also got hurt a lot. That's why it hurts, that's why it's hard for you to show it."

"How do you know?"

"Mostly your eyes. Everyone you care about knows."

"Can you say it?"

"To men, no. To other people, friends, yes."

"To men, you mean…"

"…someone I've been involved, yeah. Just you in that case. Besides family, to who have you said the three words."

"You and CJ."

"I thought so. How many people do you love?"

"Andi…"

"See… Toby, I don't care, really. When I said that I was joking, okay."

"Okay."

"So now, can you read it?"

"Are you sure?"

She just stood up a brought back the notebook and sat in the foot of the bed.

"Why are you there?"

"For you to read and for me to write. No, shut up. And pass me your pad and a pen."

He took it from the drawer in the bedside table and threw it to her. Then he got comfortable against the pillows, opened the notebook in front of him and started reading.

The first one was very simple saying that he was a jackass, grumpy guy but a great fuck.

"A really good fuck?!"

"Toby, don't get smug. This is serious. And if you need to know, yes you are."

He got back to reading the next entries were all very simple, nothing important happened, and then he got to three months into the relationship, he knew exactly what that was and it made him laugh.

"Why are you laughing?"

"Getting to the part where CJ catches us."

"First time she screamed at me."

"Yeah… Yeah…"

And Toby remembered that night pretty good, he came to California as planed, spent an entire night driving, met Andi at the airport, when immediately to the dorm, making out led to other things, and when CJ opened the door, she was naked and with her legs opened sitting in the table, while he was kneeling between her legs. The first time she came in, she didn't even got it was him, but a few seconds outside were enough for her to get that the identity of the person between her roommate legs was her best friend, and then she started banging on the door for them to stop immediately because they needed to have a really serious talk (it remind him of when his mom caught him in his room with a topless Melissa Jackson).

_In one moment I was near climax, I was about to scream from the top of my lungs, digging my nails into Toby's shoulder, what that man can do with his tongue, omg… it's the closest I will ever be from heaven. It's just wow. And his fingers, omg… or his… omg… any part of his body can't me make me leave earth. But when she entered that door and then the knocking started, she didn't even let us finish. She was so mad; me and Toby were so flushed._

_She started screaming at us, asking us what we were doing and that we shouldn't be doing this. And then she went really crazy when I told her that we have been doing it for three months and then became lets scream at me for screwing her bestfriend and for telling her about that for like an half-hour (seemed like two hours)._

_Toby was cute, he just picked her up, she started screaming to let her go and punching in the chest (in that moment I was so scared that she had feelings for him, that she loved him, that was the really reason she was so mad; talked to her the night after Toby left, she told me that she loved him but not in that way, but he would always be her bestfriend, and I promised her that I would never push her out of his life) then he said_

" _CJ, I'm only letting you go if you talk to us as the adults we are."_

_Her answer scared me for life, thought he was gonna be so piss at me when she told him I was seventeen, he didn't mind, just gave me one of his weird looks._

_Then we finally sat down and then CJ said:_

" _I don't any of you to get hurt – I love you both (she didn't say this part, but was like something unsaid, but was there) – and I can't choose between you two."_

_Toby said something first as always_

" _We are not serious…" He looked at me with his cute brown eyes asking for conformation, I just nodded "…I can't promise we won't get hurt, we'll try not to, but I can promise we'll never put you in a compromising position."_

_She took it fine after that, whispered something in his ear and then whispered in mine that she wanted details._

_We spent a nice night together; he slept in my bed instead of the floor like he used to for the last three months, his arms around me and I know I shouldn't have been feeling that way, it was suppose to be sex and nothing more._

Toby remembered those times, every time he could have any moment free, he would go to California (drive for hours or fly in the middle of the night on the cheapest plane he could get), he spent time we both of them, just the three of them, then he divided time between just CJ and just Andi, even with all the complications of getting time together, life was simple back then.

The next entry jumped three months, their six months anniversary, the night that changed his life.

* * *

_March of 1979, Berkeley, CA_

Both CJ and Andi were drinking in a bar by the college, it was full of college students, most people were under 21 using fake IDs (some really bad, but the bartender didn't really cared that much).

"I thought you didn't care."

"I didn't but he said he would come. CJ, I think I may be feeling something for him, and that scares me. I don't know what to do. Do you think I should end it?"

"I don't know. Maybe you should talk to him." CJ was sure that Toby was feeling something too, she knew him and she knew there was something more.

"I will. Now, let's get drunk."

"I don't really wanna spend much money. I have to pay for a plane ticket to Dayton for Paul's birthday and then spring break; I've been saving since forever."

"That guy is eyeing us. Do you think some flirting will get us free booze?"

"Oh… Yeah. Bring it on, baby."

They called the guy over, and they did what did they always did flirt with the guy, get close to each other and to him, he would get so intoxicated with the idea of a threesome that he would pay for any drink they wanted. And that was fun by today, because Andi really needed to get drunk and forget about the shit her life had become.

In the same evening, Toby was getting out of the plane, he got out of work around 7 p.m. (it thought he had never did his job quickest), having to run to the airport to catch a plane at 8 p.m., thanking to the hour difference between the two sides of the country, he got to San Francisco at 11.30 p.m., he took a taxi and drove immediately to a bar, where he was sure she would be.

When he got there, it was already over midnight and he hoped she hadn't done anything stupid, but them he saw them in some guy's arms (he knew their drinking and flirting had gone a little farthest that they intended); and he just went to him, and over his best judgment since that guy had to be a giant and if a fight ever happened, he would be smashed. But one thing meant more and that was that they were his girls.

"Sorry, but what's your name?"

"Jeff, but what do you want?"

"I'm gonna ask you politely to let go of those girls."

"Why?"

"Yes, why, Toby." Andi asked. "And what are you doing here? I thought you didn't care."

"I got a late plane. Let them go."

"Or…" The guy said kissing both their cheeks and holding closer to him. In that point Toby went over the top, Toby punched the guy, Jeff just let go of both girls, and while they both laid against nearer car, and Jeff jumped for Toby, throwing him to the ground, punching his face, Toby kneed the guy in the middle of his legs, getting the guy out of him and went to the girls.

"Are you two okay? What were you thinking?"

Jeff came behind, kneeing in the back of his leg, making in fell against CJ, making her squirm.

"Can you two stop fighting?! You two have hurt CJ."

"But you are still going home with me, right?"

"No! Of course not. You are an ass." Andi screamed. "Toby is driving us home."

"He doesn't even have a car."

"He'll carry us, we'll call a cab, we'll hitchhike, I don't care. Jeff is not gonna happen, it would never happen; we are drunk, but not enough to have a threesome. And I bet there are some girls inside eager to blow you in the bathroom."

Jeff just turned around, giving up and muttering:

"Bitches…"

"Toby, just let go." Andi said, pushing him and warning him not to fight.

"CJ, are you okay?"

"Yeah. Fine. How are we getting back?"

"You are too drunk to walk. And as you suggested, I'll be a gentleman and carry you."

"Both?"

"Of course and it's not far." He kissed Andi's lips softly. "Trust me." He said picking her and throwing her above his shoulder. "Sorry, but she's bigger, I need both arms to carry her."

"Tobus, I'm offended."

"Of course, CJ, I'm sorry. Can you two try to keep quiet and not move?"

"Okay, we will try." She said pinching his ass.

"Andi, stop that. CJ, I'm gonna pick you up, hold on to my neck."

"Okay. Don't let me fall. If you do, I'll kill you, Toby. I'm not kidding."

"I know." And he picked her up. "Now Andy are you okay?"

"A little bit dizzy, I may throw up."

"Please, hold it inside. You, Cee?"

"Good. I may fall asleep here."

"Of course." He said sarcastically.

And he picked up his bag and started walking to the dorm, people stopped to look at him, some even whistle, he finally arrived to the building after five minutes walking.

"CJ, Andi, I can't walk up the stairs with you in my arms. One of you needs to wait here."

"Toby, you can put me down, I think I can walk a little bit."

He put CJ on the foot of the stairs and it looked that she had been sleeping, he took CJ out of his shoulders, holding her by her hips while she tried to stabilize.

"I'm seeing two Tobys, right now."

"You can't walk alone. Can you walk if you hold on to me?"

"I think so."

"Let me just pick her up."

And he threw CJ on his shoulder, Andi hold on to his chest walking up the stairs, getting to the door, Toby asked for the key and opened the door. He let go of her and put CJ on her bed.

"Hey, Toby. Do you mind if I sleep with CJ tonight?"

"Can I watch?" He said with a smirk in his face.

"She hates getting this drunk. Normally she holds herself and she never lets get this far, only two times before. But those two, she got restless, nightmares and screams; I ended up sleeping next to her so she could calm down."

"She still has nightmares?"

"You know about them?"

"When her mother was sick and after she died, she used to have nightmares. She called me in the middle of the night crying, she begged me to stay awake with her all night until she collapsed in pure exhaustion, it was the only way she wouldn't have the dreams. I thought they stopped after she started going to a shrink."

"Like I said, they are not a normal thing, when she drinks way too much. Tonight, she wanted to make me feel better about… Yeah, so you don't mind?"

"No." He couldn't just say more, he hurt her when he said he couldn't come and that meant something.

"Okay. I'm gonna change and help her change. You can have my bed, okay."

They both changed to shorts and shirts and then Andi helped CJ getting out of her clothes and dressed her in an old shirt.

Toby was the first one to wake up that morning; he looked at the other bed and saw CJ with her head resting in Andi's chest, in any other moment that would have turned him on (he would be lying if he said he had never thought or dreamed about it), but what was happening was pure friendship, it was what he had already done for CJ a few times, she has been crying and Andi had been there to calm her fears.

He stood up and went to take a shower before they waked up, since he knew they would both have terrible headache. When he walked out of the bathroom just in boxers, CJ was waking up.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

"My head hurts."

"I suppose, you drank a little too much yesterday."

"Oh… Andi…"

"She slept next to you. Wanna help getting out?"

"Yes, please."

Now dressed, he went to pick her up from the bed and sat next to her on Andi's bed, she put her head on his shoulder.

"Why didn't you tell me you still had nightmares?"

"I didn't think you needed know. And don't talk so loud."

"Okay, but this talk isn't over. Do you have any pills?"

"And, my father lives in Dayton, Toby."

"The pills, CJ?"

"Tara took the last ones last week."

"Okay, I'm just gonna buy some."

"Please, bring breakfast and coffee, a…"

"I know what both of you like. Try to take a bath or just lay down." He said standing up and then walking out the door.

Walking in the campus, he thought that everyone knew what he had done the night before, it was pretty obvious since he had a black eye and a few cuts in his face. Some people got away from him, the other ones look at him like they wanted to kill him.

He then went to a pharmacy and to a coffee shop, in the way to their room; he was stopped by someone calling his name.

"Toby." He turned and he knew he had talked with this girl before at some party.

"Hey…"

"Chloe."

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"No problem. I just wanna say that was pretty cool what you did yesterday, Jeff is a jackass. I and like most girls here wanna say thanks for finally someone beating that guy."

"Welcome, I think."

"And Tara asked me to ask you something, she's kind of a little afraid of you…"

"And you're not?"

"CJ tells pretty funny stories about you."

"Sounds like her. But what does Tara need?"

"She took a photo of you with both CJ and Andi, and she thinks it's really good. She wants to know if she can use it."

"Ask the girls. By me it's okay."

"I'll tell her. Go to them, send them my love."

"Okay, bye."

Entering the room, he saw that was empty, then he heard sounds from the bathroom, looking inside after putting the food in their table and taking two pills, and he went inside.

"That has to be the most disgusting thing ever."

"Shut up, Tobus." CJ said taking her head out of the toilet, he put the pills and filled a cup with water, and let it on the counter, while he went to the floor and he got in his knees, pushing both CJ and Andi's hair out of the way, kissed Andi's temple (what made her smile) and asked:

"What happened? You're okay when I left… not okay, but you weren't expelling your guts."

"You took some time, and we got hungry and Andi thought it was okay to eat some old Chinese food we had in here…"

"It didn't work fine, our hangover and old food not good."

"Okay, are you two okay to take the pill?"

"I think so. Give it to me." CJ said.

Toby stood up, gave the cup and one pill to CJ, waiting for her to take it, and them did the same with Andi.

"I want you both to sleep a bit."

With this he helped both of them to their beds, and left the room.

Two hours later, Toby was in Tara's room, when CJ knocked.

"Hey, Chloe said you were here."

"Yes, came to talk to her, she wanted to use a photo of me."

"You are letting her, right."

"Yes, but Chloe said she was afraid of me…"

"I'm not, I just don't know you."

"You two have drunk together a million of times."

"I know that's what I said."

"I'm cool with you, now. We talked, I know you for more than just CJ and Andi's guy."

"Love that I belong to both of you." He said looking at CJ.

"You should go talk to Andi, she's just taking a bath."

"Okay." He said standing up.

"Are we still on for dinner? Or do you wanna just go with Andi?"

"Yes, I'm gonna take Andi to lunch, the dinner is for the three of us."

"Okay. Go talk to her. See you later."

"Bye." He said squeezing her hand before leaving.

When he entered their dorm, he saw Andi getting out of the bathroom dressed in shorts and a Led Zeppelin's t-shirt.

"Hey. Do you feel any better?"

"Yes. My hangover is almost gone."

He sat on the bed and extended his hand, and she sat next to him with their hands touching each other.

"I wanted to apologize about yesterday."

"You don't need to."

"I also need to thank you for being there yesterday and this morning."

"You don't need to thank me."

"Yes, I need. You didn't need to help me, you could have left me and just bring CJ and let me go with him."

"Andi…" He interlaced his fingers with hers. "Andi, I brought you because I wanted, because I never want you to go home with another guy."

"I haven't slept with anyone for the last month. And I got drunk because I wanted you here for today."

"I wanted to be here, that's why I caught the late flight. And happy six month anniversary." He kissed her lips very softly without letting go of her hand.

"Yeah, Toby. I don't know if I can do this anymore."

"Why?" He knew he loved her but he also knew that he couldn't say it to her without risking a chance of getting hurt, so he had to hide it, the best he could.

"It's not healthy."

"And, if I asked for more."

"What?"

"Andi, I wanna be more than fuck buddies."

"Really?! You live in the other side of the country."

"I come here at least one time every month, I call more than one time a week."

"That means being faithful. No more sex with other girls in New York."

"No more sex with California boys, no matter how tanned and hot they are."

"And if they are from another state."

"Andi…"

"Joking…"

"So this is it. It's real now."

"Me and you."

"So what now?"

"Now, we are gonna celebrate. Then you will take me to a nice lunch. And at dinner we'll tell CJ." She said lying down on the bed, and pulling him above her.

"You're the master." He said while his hands went under her shirt. And their future together started.

* * *

_(Back to) September of 2006, Brooklyn, NY_

"Did you ever asked yourself, where would we be if CJ wasn't there?"

"Why are you asking that?"

"Just read our six month anniversary, when we became serious. Do you know how many times she told me to talk to you?"

"Oh… She told me too, like a million times. Being honest, I don't think we would be here. She was the one who push us to talk."

"Yeah, we would have been to much of a chicken to ever talk about it. And we would have let go, like the night you left, my worst mistake was doing nothing, not fighting for you, for us, I just let you walk away."

"Yeah…" She said knowing that he knew she meant more than just _Yeah._

And he went back to reading about dates, trips, nights together in cheap motels, trying to control herself every time she slept next to him but with CJ on the bed next to them and he knew what that feeling was…

"I meant it."

"What?" She looked up from the notebook.

"The first time I said I loved you."

"Why didn't you said it again?"

"Why didn't you answer it?"

"You just said _love you_ , and me and CJ were both there, how should I know you meant it to me too. And I wasn't about to let my guards down, and get screwed again."

"And took six more months to say it right."

"At least we said it, it was a first for both of us."

"CJ couldn't believe I said it first."

"You can't believe how many times she told me to tell you the truth."

"I can suppose, got the same speech."

"Yeah." She put her things in the foot of the bed, and crawled to his arms. "And I love you then, now and tomorrow."

"Me too baby. Always." Putting the notes down and pushing her to his lap. "That was corny. I think it's time to put your diary down and…"

"Notes, Toby."

"Of course." He said mocking.

"Pokey." She said as a warning but also joking and while she pulled away.

"Yes, notes. Come here now. Time to get you out of this shirt."

"I thought you loved the Yankees." She said kissing and biting his neck.

"Of course. But I love you more." He said pushing her to the bed so he was on top and kissed her passionately.


End file.
